What am I doing?

I am in a confused state of mind and state of being. Where do I belong? What am I doing? What is the goal? And if there is a goal, what is the next step?

Here I am so far away from the life I had been living. I know I would step into the same life some time soon. But this phase... am I not wasting it?

For the time being, there are so many things which I want to do. I want to read as much as I can. Meaningful books. Real books. Okay occasionally a Lee Child but more 'Mockingbird's.

Thankfully I can do it and I am doing it. But I still don’t feel satisfied. Reading the way I do seem like a detached exercise. I start reading the book, enjoy it. Stop reading the book. Start again and stop again. I read the story. I get the meaning. I read the words and understand the plot. I appreciate the language, the craft. But the whole exercise seems so mechanical that somehow I do not feel immersed. I do not seem to have forgotten the world while reading. And that’s not reading. I remember the way I used to read earlier. I would chose a book and then get drowned in it. I would forget the world. I still remember how I read Ayn Rand. It was like the book was my world for those days. And now? I feel I am cheating myself. Not reading at all is better than reading like this. Just because everyone else is reading on Tube does not mean I have to do this shit too. So now onwards I would pick 2 books to read at any time. One would be a munch book. Fast, anytime. No emotions attached. Just to spend time in Tube. And second- the meal book. Slow, thorough. Which I would read when everything else is switched off. Just me and that book. I can do it!

I want to move, explore, discover. And I am not doing it. Somehow the notion of being alone makes me hesitant to go for these weekend hikes and adventure walks. But then I sit down and question myself. Why do you have to be alone? It’s only up to me to reach out. The only thing that stands between me sitting home and me being out there is ME! I just have to overcome myself. Stop being conscious. Flow! What could go wrong? I resolve and when its time to register I somehow find some pathetic excuse. It has to stop. It can’t go on. I know it and still don’t do anything about it.

I love the fact that I have so much music with me. New music. New sound. Discovering artists I never knew existed. Genre I was not into earlier. More Blues. More folk-rock. More Sufi. Its so much fun to sit on the sill looking out as rain falls in the garden... rumbling of clouds merging with jazz music in the background.

Another thing that I have to do is push myself to paint. I have been wanting to paint for so many years. Drawing is not enough. I need to play on canvas. I have to stop being such a stingy when it comes to doing what I can’t stop thinking of doing. I will either learn that I can paint which would be great. Else I would learn that I can’t paint, but that can be tackled too. I am sure I would not be too bad.

The most important thing to do is find people who are supportive, who know life more than I do. Who are full of life itself? I might not fit in and struggle in their company. But I have to take this journey from inside to outside. Debate, discuss, share, and disagree with everything being said. Rejecting everything initially, leads to discussions. Discussions are good. Debates are healthy.

What else would I love to do? Take loads of pictures. Make new friends. Learn cooking. Blog more often. Write stories. Learn more CSS. More Flash. Make more music on eJay.

Its time to realise that time is no more. Its dying. Have to make something of it.